Life has changed. There’s an emptiness in my heart that feels as though it will never be filled. I miss my mom so very much. I still cannot believe she is truly gone…that I’ll never hear the sound of her voice again. Never hear her laugh. Never see her smile with those memorable dimples. I’ll never get to hold her hand or feel her arms around me, hugging me as only a mother can. I have moments of being completely fine. Then I have moments when I cry like a baby, sobbing to the point where I feel as though I can’t breathe. I try to focus on the the positive. I remember all the happy times. There are a lot! I think about the fact that she lived 82 years when her sister only lived 42. She got to see her 3 children grow up, 9 grandchildren become young adults and was fortunate to be a part of 6 great grandchildren’s lives. She experienced 61 years of married life with my dad. We are all so lucky to have had this sweet, kind, funny, loving, witty woman in our lives. We are all so much richer for having known her and having been loved by her.
So, now, as difficult as it is, life goes on. As a person who is filled with wanderlust, one who is happiest when I’m not rooted, I find myself at a crossroads. I hear my mom telling me to follow my heart. She always encouraged me to follow my dreams and she taught me to chase rainbows. Traveling the world is my dream. But, it’s different now. Don’t get me wrong, I still want to travel. But, for the moment, I feel the need to be at home where perhaps I simply feel closer to my mom. I need to be in the house where she lived for 50 years and where I lived with her (and dad) for 30 years, then for these past incredibly meaningful 4 years. I need to be with my dad as I promised mom I would look after him. He’s not ready to be in the house alone – at least not yet. I want to be with the rest of my family – my sister and my brother and their families – where I feel my mom’s presence and see her legacy in the dimpled smiles and sparkling eyes of my nieces and nephews and in turn my great niece and nephews. It’s where I’m meant to be…for now.
I’ll still travel this year. I’m too restless not to go somewhere. But the trips will be stateside with family and to see close friends. I will definitely be visiting my old home of Colorado and my friends there. The mountains are my special place and I know I need to spend time there to grieve – and to heal.
My feet will start itching again soon and I’ll be off to wherever the wind takes me. But, most likely, not until next year. By next spring I’ll be ready to chase those rainbows – and make my little mama proud. I can hear her telling me now to take my time, to listen to my heart – and that I’ll know when I’m ready to go. She taught me well…