Trying not to forget

 

It’s been 6 months since my mom passed away. Sometimes it feels longer. It seems like so long since I have seen her dimpled smile, heard the sound of her voice, felt the warmth of her touch. Yet, in some ways it feels like yesterday that I was with her as she took her last breath – the feeling of her loss still so raw that I sob uncontrollably. Grief is like that.

I am afraid that I won’t remember things. I have pictures of her all around my room and the house, afraid of forgetting what she looked like. Often, I think I’ll eventually forget the sound of her voice. I close my eyes and imagine her yelling, “Lynne Paulette!” Shit, I’m in trouble!! Or I’ll think of her voice as I called from Colorado, “Well hello Little Bit!” – the voice filled with love. I don’t want to forget.

 

 

 

Everyone says that things do indeed get better with time. I know this is true, but I feel that the emotion is just as raw today as it was in those first few weeks. Maybe this is normal. Maybe it’s just the realization after 6 months that she is truly gone and not coming back. When my mom passed away, I felt as though my world lost a bit of its light – as though someone had turned down the dimmer switch. It still feels this way.

Life moves on though and we are all moving along with it. I too try my best to move forward in my life – making plans for the future. Some days it’s difficult. Some days I want to curl up in a ball and cry because my heart aches so much. Some days I want to scream at the Universe “Give me back my mom! You made a mistake! Just give her back!!” But, reason wins out. I know that she is in a better place. The ache in my heart is simply so great because I love my mom so much.

 

 

 

 

I also know she is always with me – in my heart. It’s funny, I saw the yellow butterflies in Colorado while hiking. My friend Julie even saw one fly across the hood of the car as we were stopped at a red light. Mom was making it known that she would be with me wherever I went.

You know, many of us have gone through the loss of a loved one. And I am sure everyone has grieved in his or her own way. There is no one way to grieve. There is no time limit. For me, I think it is going to take a while. I just need time. Time to work through it. Time to let it sink in that she is really gone from this earth. Time to move forward in life – without her. I hate it. Every day I think to myself, “I hate this new normal.” But, I can’t do anything about it. I simply have to deal with it, work through it and live my life. I need to live my best life. It’s what my mom would want.